Cowboy Bebop: The Funniest Sessions
by RySenkari
Summary: It's the chronicles of Andy and Faye, 15 years after the end of The Funniest Sessions! Starring their oldest daughter in a series of wacky misadventures and satirical storylines ripped straight from the headlines!
1. Die With A T

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of its characters. Also, the Angus "Choke The Life Out Of Your Heart" Burger is property of Burger King, though it's an idea they stole from Hardee's. As for me, I eat Chicken McNuggets, which all.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: For the purpose of comedy, some characters may be OOC (out-of-character). Those who have read _Funny Sessions _and _Funnier Sessions _already know the drill. So in the words of Will Smith... "Let's get this party started!"

NOTE TO STAFF: Yes, there are a few very small script format parts in here. Like the last story, 95 of the fic is in paragraph format. Don't you dare delete this.

---

Inspirational music played as a well-dressed man with shiny black hair walked onto the stage of an auditorium, victoriously pumping his fists.

"Way to go!" shouted the man.

"Way to go!" mimicked the crowd of over five thousand people.

"Way to go!" shouted the man again, running up to the center of the stage.

"Way to go!" mimicked the crowd a second time. The man stopped to take in the crowd's vigorous applause. Then, he began to speak.

"If you eat, you're on a diet," said the man. "If you're on a diet, you're eating. You're eating when you're on a diet, and you're dieting when you eat. A diet is what you eat, and you eat what you diet when you're on a diet when you eat. On the Angus Diet, you eat the Angus. You eat the Angus when you're on the Angus Diet. When you're on the Angus Diet, which is what you eat, you eat the Angus, which is what you eat when you're on the Angus Diet."

The crowd chanted louder with every word the man spoke, though none of them could really understand a word of what the man was saying.

"I'm Dr. Angus, and according to my diet, if it feels good, do it! Do what feels good!" the man shouted.

"Yes!" repeated the crowd. The man took a large hamburger out of his pocket and held it up for the crowd, who stood up and began bowing to the burger, worshipping it as if it was some omnipotent hamburger deity.

"RESPECT THE ANGUS, RESPECT THE KING!" shouted the man. "Mwahahaha! Mwahaha!"

The crowd continued to chant and worship the greasy burger, oblivious to the man's insane evil laughing.

O-O-O

****

Session 53: Die With A 'T'

O-O-O

Meanwhile, in a huge mansion in the middle of Bebop City, the largest town on Mars and the home of our beloved bounty hunting couple Andy and Faye, morning was just about to begin.

__

When the moon... is in the second house...

'Age of Aquarius' blared on a small clock radio, signaling the beginning of the day for Andy and Faye's oldest child. She was 12 years old, and extremely intelligent and cunning for her age. She was just over five feet tall, and had a figure nearly identical to her mother's, save for, of course, Faye's 'enhanced' chest, something the 12-year-old hadn't even begun to develop. She had short hair in a style that also resembled Faye's, except instead of the dark violet hair that her mother possessed, the girl's hair was far lighter. She stood up and casually swatted at the alarm clock to turn off the music, missing it entirely. The music continued to play as the girl removed her nightgown, put on a pink sweater and blue jeans, then walked into the bathroom and began brushing her teeth. Just a minute later, a very angry boy was standing at the door.

"Alice, turn off your stupid radio!" shouted the boy, who stood just a little bit shorter than Alice and was younger by fifteen months. "It woke me up!"

"Too bad, squirt," Alice said, spitting toothpaste into the bathroom sink and wiping her lips with a towel. "My advice to you is to invest in some earmuffs."

"Very funny, jerkface," said the boy, whose dirty-blonde hair was identical in tone to his father, Andy's. While Alice, Andy and Faye's oldest daughter, bore a name that cleverly alluded to Faye's past alias of 'Poker Alice', their second child and oldest son had a far less creative name, Andy Jr.

Alice walked past Andy Jr, down the stairs and crossing through a large foyer to reach the dining room, where breakfast had already begun for the Oniyate family. Seated at the table were Andy, Faye, and their five other kids, who had already awoken from their slumber and were just now beginning to have breakfast. In descending order of age was Mellie, a nine-year-old girl with long blonde hair that went down to just past her shoulders. Next was Cyrus, an eight-year-old boy who wore his dark violet hair spiked up in the style of Cloud Strife, an RPG hero of yore. Andy and Faye's fifth child was another boy, Jim, a six-year-old, who looked nearly exactly like his father, save for his mother's piercing green eyes. Andy and Faye's youngest daughter was a precocious five-year old with pink, yes, pink hair, a mystery even to her parents, thus, her name was Mystery (which she'd later regret after some of her school chums dug up an old VHS tape of Spongebob Squarepants, where the title character acquired a seahorse with the exact same name... go figure). Finally, there was a small three-year-old who looked like a toddler version of Spike, thus, he received the name Chibi Spikuu! (exclamation mark included) in a fit of fangirlish craziness from Faye.

Alice sat down at the table and immediately noticed something peculiar about what Andy, Faye, and her siblings were eating.

"Are you guys eating... hamburgers for breakfast?" Alice asked, looking down at her own plate, on which sat a paper bag bearing the Burger King logo.

"We're on the Angus Diet!" said Faye, snarfing down the juicy burger without a second thought. "It's the best diet!"

"And why is that?" asked Alice.

"It's the newest," replied Andy, taking a large bite out of his Angus Burger. "Duh."

A few seconds later, Andy Jr. walked into the room, a pouty look on his face.

"Mom, Dad, Alice's radio woke me... is that a Burger King bag? Cool!"

Andy Jr. ran over to the table and began eating his burger, much to Alice's chagrin.__

"These Angus Burgers are good, but... mom used to take a lot of pride in keeping her figure, and she'd never eat one of these things for breakfast!" said Alice, looking down at the Burger King sack placed in front of her.

"Aren't you gonna eat your burger, Alice?" asked Cyrus, reaching over to Alice's side of the large, circular table in the middle of the Oniyate's dining room. "Or can I have it?"

"No, you _can't _have it," said Alice, taking the Angus Burger out of the bag and looking at it with suspicion.

"I'm going to go get another burger," said Faye, pointing into the kitchen. On the counter were nearly fifty Burger King sacks, each of them containing a delicious Angus Burger. "I'll be right back."

But as Faye began to walk to the kitchen, she clutched her chest and cried out in pain.

"Ow!" shouted Faye as she fell to one knee. "My chest..."  
  
"What's wrong?" asked Mystery. Andy got up from the table and went quickly to his wife's side.

"Maybe you should lie down," said Andy.

"Or maybe... I should have another delicious Angus Burger!" Faye said, immediately recovering and running into the kitchen. Andy followed her, and together, the two began eating Angus Burgers like Kobiyashi on crack, snarfing them down at an incredible pace.

__

"That seriously can't be good for you..." thought Alice, getting up from the table. _"I've gotta check this Angus Diet thing out..."_

O-O-O

Alice ran up to her room and logged onto her computer, entering 'Angus Diet' into a search engine. She was immediately bombarded with hundreds of links for sites preaching the blessings of the Angus Diet, as well as a link to the site of 'Angus the Wangus, Porn Star Extraordinare'. Ignoring the porn link, Alice clicked the first diet-related link she saw. A small hologram of a man appeared in front of the screen, victoriously pumping his fists. Inspirational music began to play.

"I'm Dr. Angus, and if it feels good, do it!" Dr. Angus said. "When you're on a diet, you eat. When you eat, you're on a diet. A diet is what you eat."

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I know..." Alice said in an annoyed tone.

"When you're on the Angus diet, you eat the Angus. It's the best diet, because it's the newest! I know, because I just invented it!"

"Good for you," Alice said sarcastically. She clicked off of the link and began rubbing her temple. "This isn't getting me anywhere..."

Suddenly, Mellie and Jim entered the room.

"Alice, mom and dad are going to the big Angus Diet Convention tonight," said Mellie. "That means we're going to have a babysitter."

"Mom and dad just wanted us to tell you, okay?" asked Jim. "And, um... can I have your Angus Burger? You left it on the table, and-""Yeah, whatever, knock yourselves out," sighed Alice, her head slumping against the computer screen. _"This Dr. Angus is bad news... I just gotta find out what he's up to!"_

O-O-O

That night, Andy and Faye were getting ready to go to the convention. Their children, including Alice, had all assembled at the door to greet them.

"Well, kids, we'll see you later..." said Faye, waving goodbye to her children. Andy kissed Faye on the cheek before waving goodbye to them as well.

"We'll be sure to bring you back some Angus Burgers when we're done!" said Andy. "Remember, respect the Angus, respect the King! Oh, and respect the babysitter, too."

The babysitter, a 16-year-old boy who looked like a reject from a metal band, was sitting on the couch, thumbing through a guitar magazine. He looked disinterested and possibly stoned, hardly a suitable babysitter for seven rambunctious children.

"Yo," said the boy, before retreating back into the pages of his magazine.

"Have fun!" said Faye as she slowly shut the front door. As soon as they had left, Alice ran up to her room and shut the door, determined to find out what Dr. Angus was really up to. She left the TV on and began to once again surf the web for any clues she could possibly use.

O-O-O

"Let's see here.... the Angus Burger contains over 5,000 calories... what kind of good diet revolves around a food like that?" Alice said quietly to herself. "My parents already bought his dumb 5,000 wulong book... and his stupid 30,000 wulong tape set... and the 50,000 wulong Dr. Angus Angus Counting Machine... and let's not forget that 15,000 wulong Sweatin' To The Angus program."

****

BIGSHOT- The Show For Bounty Hunters

"Huh?" said Alice, gazing over at her TV screen. "Ever since my mom and dad went on that stupid Angus Diet, they haven't even gone after any bountyheads..."

Paunch and Judy, now showing signs of middle age after 15 years back on the air, appeared on the screen and began to speak.

Paunch: Well, Judy, there's one heck of a bounty today, isn't there?  
  
Judy: There sure is, Paunch! In fact, he's wanted on five different planets!

The picture of a man who looked EXACTLY like Dr. Angus, except much older and with white hair, appeared on the screen.

Paunch: Sitchard Rimmanz is wanted for impersonating a doctor and giving faulty medical advice!

Judy: So faulty, in fact, that it's led to the deaths of over five hundred people, most of them suffering heart attacks sustained from eating fatty foods he's recommended in so-called 'diets'! How horrible!

Alice gasped.

Paunch: Speaking of diets and fatty foods, have you tried the Angus Diet yet, Judy? takes a big bite out of an Angus Burger

Judy: Of course I have! In fact, I'm on it right now! also eating an Angus Burger It's the best diet because it's the newest!  
  
Paunch: Exactly! clutches his chest in pain Ow! My heart!

Alice switched off the TV.

"That dirty jerk Dr. Angus is actually Sitchard Rimmanz, the false doctor... diet thingy... guy!" shouted Alice. "Boy, I've really gotta work on the way I state my deductions. Sherlock Holmes, I am not. Well, at any rate... I've gotta stop him!"

Alice began to open the door, but as soon as she did, she realized something.

"How am I supposed to get out of here?" Alice said to herself. "That babysitter might be an inattentive stoner, but there's no way in hell he's gonna let me leave, especially if my parents are paying him at their normal rate of 10,000 wulongs an hour. I've got a real dilemma on my-"

"Alice, Alice, looky looky!" shouted Chibi Spikuu!, running up to his older sister and jumping up and down. "Mellie wants you to see something in her room! Looky looky!"

As Chibi Spikuu! dashed off, Alice followed him all the way to Mellie's room. There, Mellie and Andy Jr. were standing next to a large toy chest.

"Okay, Mellie, what is it you wanna show us?" asked Andy Jr., impatiently tapping his foot.

"This is really cool, you guys," Mellie said, opening up the chest. "Check it out."

The toy chest opened. Inside was the 16-year-old babysitter, his hands tightly tied behind his back with jumprope. He looked scared and confused. Alice and Andy Jr. began to laugh.

"Well, that takes care of that problem," said Alice, smiling as she walked out of the room.

"Where are you going?" asked Andy Jr.

"I'm going to save mom and dad from a vicious criminal and win some bounty money in the process," said Alice.

"Again?" asked Andy Jr., revealing that his sister had obviously gone after bountyheads before.

"Yeah," said Alice, "but you can't come with me this time. Remember what happened the last time you decided to come with me?"

Andy Jr. thought for a minute. Then with a frown on his face, he nodded.

"My teacher STILL hasn't spoken to me," said Andy Jr. "Just bring mom and dad back safe, okay?"

"I always do," said Alice, smiling as she exited the room. "I always do."

After retrieving a can of silly string and a large Nerf ball gun from her room, Alice left the house and hopped onto her bicycle, a large, pink twenty-speed that she used to travel everywhere she went. She knew the roads of the city well, and knew exactly how to get to the Bebop Convention Center, where 'Dr. Angus' was holding his latest convention.

"Dr. Angus, or should I say Sitchard Rimmanz... your days of inventing dangerous and lame commercialized diets are over!" Alice declared, frantically pedaling to the convention center.

O-O-O

Meanwhile, backstage at the convention center...

"You're about to go on in five minutes, Dr. Angus," said a stagehand inside Dr. Angus' dressing room.

"Alrighty," said Dr. Angus, assembling the props he was going to use in the night's presentation, including a poster for a brand new burger... 'The Super Angus'. "The Super Angus is my greatest invention yet... as soon as it is consumed, the saturated fats clog up the arteries leading to the heart, causing instant death with just one bite! That'll teach them to respect the Angus, and respect the King!"

"Uh, sir... did I just hear you say what I think I heard you say?" asked the stagehand, nervously scratching his head.

"Would you like to be the first to try the Super Angus?" asked Dr. Angus, holding up a large burger, dripping with fatty juices. "It's the best burger, because it's the newest! I know, because I just invented it!"

"Sweet!" said the stagehand, finding the burger irresistible despite having heard everything Dr. Angus just said. "Lay it on me!"

Dr. Angus handed the burger to the stagehand, who took a big bite and immediately clutched his chest, screaming in pain.

"I'm... having a heart attack..." said the man, collapsing to the floor, "but I... regret... nothing..."

As the stagehand closed his eyes, Dr. Angus tilted back his head and began to laugh maniacally.

O-O-O

Back inside Mellie's room, the babysitter was now duct-taped to a wooden chair, trembling nervously. Mellie, who was alone in the room with the frightened babysitter, walked up to him and smiled, holding a piece of duct tape in her hand. She pressed it over the babysitter's mouth, then slowly pulled a lipstick holder out of her shoe.

"Have you ever listened to 'Super Sounds Of The Early 21st Century'?" asked Mellie, walking over to a small radio on her dresser and turning it on, quickly scrolling through the channels. "Let's see here... just about... found it."

She stopped the dial when she heard N'Sync's "Bye Bye Bye" start to play, then began dancing over to the babysitter with the lipstick menacingly clutched in her hands. As the babysitter desperately struggled in his bonds, Mellie casually began painting his face with the lipstick, smiling sadistically.

__

I wanna see you out that door, you been tellin' me lies

Mellie took out a case of blush and began pressing it against the babysitter's cheeks, getting the thick makeup all over his terrified face.

__

You may hate me, but it ain't no lie

Baby bye bye bye...

O-O-O

The familiar inspirational music began to play as Dr. Angus took the stage, accompanied by the frantic cheers of the crowd.

"Way to go!" shouted Dr. Angus, pumping his fists.

"Way to go!" mimicked the audience. Every member of the audience had a Burger King sack under their chairs, each containing a lethal Super Angus Burger. They had been instructed not to eat it until Dr. Angus gave the word, which everyone in the audience knew was about to come soon.

"If you're on a diet, you eat. If you eat, you're on a diet. If you're eating on a diet, you're dieting while you eat. On the Angus Diet, what you eat is what you diet on, which is the Angus."

The door at the back of the room opened, and Alice meekly walked in. She quickly spotted her parents in the large crowd, seated in the front row and pumping their fists with the rest of Dr. Angus' unwilling zombies.

"There they are..." Alice whispered. "I have to warn them before it's too late!"

"On the Angus Diet, you eat the Angus. But now, it's Phase Two of the Angus Diet, and for Phase Two, you eat..." Dr. Angus began, taking hold of a curtain placed over a large clipboard, "the Super Angus!"

As Dr. Angus ripped off the curtain, the inspirational music kicked into high gear, and the crowd cheered even more maniacally than they had been cheering before.

"Under each of your chairs is a Super Angus Burger, and once you bite into it, you'll realize the true greatness of the Angus Diet! So respect the Angus, and take your burgers!"

Within seconds, the convention members, including Andy and Faye, had each removed the Super Angus Burger from their bags.

"It's now or never..." said Alice. She ran toward the stage and pulled out her Nerf gun. "Hey! Hey, Dr. Anus!"

Dr. Angus looked up from the stage and was shocked to see the 12-year-old daughter of Andy and Faye standing right in front of him, her Nerf gun pointed directly at his face.

"Alice?" said Faye, setting down her burger and looking up at the stage. "Alice, what the heck are you doing here?"  
  
"Yeah, you're setting a bad example for your brothers and sisters!" shouted Andy.

"Andy, they're not even here," replied Faye, glaring annoyedly at him. "At least, I don't think they're here..."

"Mom, dad, you can't eat the Angus!" shouted Alice. "It's bad! It'll give you a heart attack!"

"Of course we can eat the Angus!" said Andy. "We're on a diet, and a diet is what we eat! And when we're on the Angus Diet, we eat the Angus!"

"Little girl, maybe you'd like to try the Angus for yourself," said Dr. Angus, holding up one of his Super Angus burgers. Because of Alice's interruption, none of the convention attendees had bit into their burgers, and all of them were quickly becoming impatient. "Everyone, this little girl has volunteered to be the first to eat the Super Angus!"

"If you think the Super Angus is so good, why don't _you _be the first to eat one?" asked Alice, the Nerf gun in her hand still pointed at his face. "Well...?"

__

"What she doesn't know is that I've built up complete immunity to fatty foods," thought Dr. Angus, smiling. _"I knew someone would be smart enough to try that old trick. Well, you've gotta get up pretty early to fool Dr. Angus!"_

Without even blinking an eye, Dr. Angus devoured the Super Angus Burger whole. Alice stared in shock, her mouth wide open.

"See?" Dr. Angus said, smiling at Alice. "My burger is perfectly safe, and perfectly good! So, everyone... eat the Super Angus!"

Alice had to think fast. Her only plan had failed, and there was no contingency plan in sight. Sure, she could shoot Dr. Angus with her Nerf gun, but that wouldn't stop the thousands of convention members, including her parents, from eating the Super Angus. She began to think, and think, and think, and then...  
  
"BRAIN BLAST!" shouted Alice. "Wait a minute, wrong show... a-ha, I know! Everyone, I've invented a BRAND NEW diet!"

Alice whipped out the can of Silly String she was carrying and lifted it up to her lips.

__

"I really _hope this stuff is non-toxic..." _thought Alice, spraying the silly string into her mouth. Everyone at the convention stopped what they were doing and threw their Super Angus Burgers to the ground.

"Hey, everyone!" shouted a man in the middle of the crowd, pointing at Alice. "The Silly String Diet is the newest... it must be the best! I know, because she just invented it!"

"Did you hear that, Faye?" asked Andy, pointing at Alice. "Our daughter invented a new diet! We've gotta get silly string... lots and lots of silly string!"

__

"You can't eat silly string... that's not a real diet," thought Faye, grabbing Andy's arm to stop him as he started to follow the crowd out of the convention center.

"No!" shouted Dr. Angus in despair as the huge crowd stampeded out of the convention center, abandoning their burgers and running out to buy silly string. "This is all your fault!"

Dr. Angus pointed at Alice and growled in rage.

"You... you don't even have any proof my diet is dangerous!" shouted Dr. Angus.

"Hey, who's this guy?" asked Faye, now on stage and standing next to the dead stagehand, who had a Super Angus Burger clutched in his hand. "He's dead!"

"See?" shouted Alice, pointing back at Dr. Angus. "You are a murderer!"

"Oh yeah?" shouted Dr. Angus, taking out a pistol and pointing it at Alice. "Well... what are you gonna do about it?"

"Here's what," said Andy, shooting the gun out of Dr. Angus' hand. "Nobody points a gun at my daughter and gets away with it! Hiyaaaaaaah!"

Andy ran at Dr. Angus and knocked him to the ground with a single kick to the head.

"Alright!" cheered Alice, shooting Nerf balls at the unconscious Dr. Angus' head. "Take that! And that! And that!"

"I'm just glad you got here before it was too late," said Faye. "If we'd have eaten that burger..."

"Well, you didn't, and I'm happy," said Alice, pointing at Dr. Angus. "That guy is actually Sitchard Rimmenz, and he's got a bounty on his head. He must be wearing makeup to make him look younger."

"That's some mighty fine detective work, little cowgirl!" said Andy, lifting Alice up on his shoulders. "Great job!"

"We'd better get back home," said Faye, slapping handcuffs on Dr. Angus' wrists and lifting him to his feet. "We'll drop this guy off on the way back. By the way... how'd you leave without the babysitter stopping you?"

O-O-O

The babysitter, still gagged and tied to the chair with duct tape, was now wearing an enormous amount of makeup on his face, and was crying with embarrassment. Mellie strolled into the room with a large bottle of baby powder in her hands, giggling and smiling.

"Aw, you don't wanna look pretty?" asked Mellie, dumping countless amounts of baby powder onto the immobilized babysitter. "Well, I want you to look pretty, so there!"

Suddenly, Mellie was shot repeatedly with Nerf balls. She turned around to see her mother, Faye, holding a Nerf gun and standing at the door with a smirk on her face.

"What did I tell you about playing pranks on babysitters?" said Faye, more amused than angry.

"Um... it's fun?" Mellie replied.

"Well, yeah, but what else?" asked Faye."It, um... it makes them not wanna babysit anymore?" Mellie replied.

"Exactly," said Faye, walking up to the babysitter and removing the duct tape from his mouth. "You okay?"

"Your kids... are psychotic!" the babysitter shouted as Faye untaped him from the chair.

"Yeah, I know... great, aren't they?" Faye said.

"Whatever, lady... just gimme my money!" the babysitter shouted angrily. Faye handed him a 10,000-wulong bill, and the terrified teen ran out of the house, with baby powder trailing behind him. As Faye walked out of Mellie's room, Alice walked in, strolling up to Mellie and giving her a hug."I couldn't have saved mom and dad without you," Alice said."Of course you could have," Mellie replied. "I just saved you the trouble of eliminating the babysitter."

"Yeah... I could've done that _and _stopped Dr. Angus," Alice said. "But thanks anyway."

__

See you, space cowboy...

O-O-O

Alice: On the next episode, I go to school... groan and my mom attends a PTA meeting.

Faye: We discuss the finer things in life... like grades, extra-curricular activities...Alice: Oh, and the new president of the PTA is the next bounty.

Andy Jr.: Sis, you're not supposed to spoil it!

Alice: If you don't wanna spoil the next episode, don't watch the preview! Duh...

Cyrus: Why didn't I get to do anything?  
  
Alice: You will... eventually.

Andy Jr.: That's not fair!

Faye: Kids, stop fighting. Next episode, "P.T.A. Pasquinade". I _hate _the P.T.A....

O-O-O

And that's the end of the first Funniest Session! BTW, the babysitter scene was an homage, not a ripoff. Just wanna make that clear right now. Anyway, thanks for reading, and if you liked or disliked, please leave me a review! Or don't, I don't care. Actually, I do... or do I? Hee...


	2. PTA Pasquinade

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of its characters. Also, P.T.A. stands for Parent Teacher Association. Please Thank Author would also work, however.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: For the purpose of comedy, some characters may be OOC (out-of-character). Those who have read _Funny Sessions _and _Funnier Sessions _already know the drill.

O-O-O

A bus stopped in front of a large middle school building. The door opened, and Alice stepped out, books in hand, ready to begin another day in the life of a seventh-grader.

"I hate school," Alice mumbled.

__

Someone once told me the grass is much greener

On the other side

So I punched him in the face

And said "stop talking in overdone cliches!"

Every day, things are the same

Till further notice

I'm in detention

I guess I'm lucky

It wasn't a suspension

But at least no one tells me the grass is much greener...

On the other side

As Alice walked up to her locker, she was approached by three girls, all of them wearing identical pink t-shirts with matching blue jeans. The only words on the t-shirts were "Fabercombie and Mitch, Est. 2057". Alice tried to walk around them, but one of the girls thrust her arm out into Alice's path, stopping her.

"Aren't you going to compliment us on our clothes?" asked the girl who'd stopped Alice. The girl had long, red hair, which seemed to glisten as the light from the ceiling shined down on it.

"Yeah!" said the girl immediately to the redhead's left, brushing her light brown hair away from her face. "These t-shirts cost 10,000 wulongs, you know!"

"Why would anyone pay 10,000 wulongs for a t-shirt, when you can get something that looks a lot better for less money?" asked Alice, a puzzled look on her face.

"Because it's made by _Fabercombie and Mitch_, duh," said the girl who hadn't yet spoken, a tall girl with short blonde hair. "Why don't you have any _Fabercombie and Mitch _stuff? I heard your family's rich."

"Yeah, well... I don't wanna pay 10,000 wulongs for a t-shirt, and anyone who spends that much on a t-shirt is retarded."

Alice pushed past the three girls and walked up to her locker. As she began to open it up, the redheaded girl walked up to Alice and tapped her on the shoulder.

"What did you call us?" asked the girl, an angry look on her face. "I'm Maxine Starla, the most popular girl in school... nobody calls me retarded and gets away with it!"

Ignoring the angry redhead, Alice placed her books in her locker, keeping her math book, which she would need for her first-hour class. She walked to class, and Maxine continued to yell, her blonde and brunette friends echoing everything the redhead said.

"Nobody calls us retarded, you hear!" shouted Maxine.

"Nobody!" mimicked the blonde.

"Nobody!" mimicked the brunette.

"You're going down!" shouted Maxine.

"Down!" mimicked the blonde.

"Down!" mimicked the brunette.

"You'll pay!" shouted Maxine.

"Pay!" mimicked the blonde.

"Pay!" mimicked the brunette.

Alice walked into her first-hour class. As she closed the door behind her, Maxine had a few last words for the girl who'd insulted her.

"Alice Oniyate... we will BURY YOU!"

O-O-O

****

Session 54: P.T.A. Pasquinade

O-O-O

"Now, before class gets started, I'd like to remind you all that there is a P.T.A. meeting tonight at 6:30. I'd like it if all of your parents would attend," said the teacher, a middle-aged woman with curly brown hair.

"Hey, Alice..." said a girl with short, light blue hair, seated just behind Alice's desk. "Is your mom gonna come to the PTA meeting?"

"I don't know, Makiko..." Alice replied. "I heard something really bad happened last time..."

O-O-O

__

At the last PTA meeting, the conversation had shifted to discussion about the school's budget. Faye, who really didn't like sitting through boring discussions, had fallen asleep right in the middle of the meeting.

"Daddy..." said a little boy seated inbetween his father and the still-sleeping Faye, tugging on his dad's shirt sleeve. "This is boring, why did I have to come to this stupid thing?"

"Because I couldn't get a babysitter tonight, and your brother's at a baseball game," said the boy's father.

"But it's not fair..." said the boy. He looked to his left and saw Faye, sleeping like a rock. "Hey... that lady has free balloons!"

O-O-O

Later that day at lunch, Alice and Makiko sat together at a small round table in the corner of the room. Usually, several people joined them at the table, but on this particular day, no one would sit with them at all. In fact, no one would sit within three tables of them, leaving the two girls isolated in the corner of the room.

"What the heck's going on?" said Makiko, looking around. "Why is nobody eating with us?"

"I don't know... but I'm getting to the bottom of it," said Alice.She got up from her table and walked over toward the other side of the room. Several of her fellow students began to run away as she drew near, and when she walked up to a table that contained several of the students who had used to sit with her and Makiko, all of them except one got up from the table. The last one, a tall boy with long, brown hair, began to slowly slink away, but Alice stopped him by reaching out and grabbing his arm, preventing his escape.

"Please... please let me go!" shouted the boy. "I don't want to catch-"

"Don't wanna catch what, Trent?" Alice asked, her grip tightening around the boy's arm.

"Maxine said... she said that you and Makiko were lesbian lovers, and that you both have AIDS!"

Alice's jaw dropped in shock. Her grip loosened slightly, but not enough to allow Trent to get away.

"Wait a minute. Even if Makiko and I _were_ lesbian lovers, which we're _not_, and even if we _did _have AIDS, which we _don't_... AIDS isn't spread by close contact! I thought you learned that in health class, just like you learned not to use drugs and not to eat candy or you'll die a horrible, painful death."

"Maxine said you guys have Uber-AIDS... which is even more contaigous than chicken pox!"

"Uber-AIDS, huh?" Alice said. "Looks like somebody's about to get an uber-beating... where's Maxine?"

"Over there," said Trent, pointing to a table near the entrance of the room. There, Maxine and her two friends were seated, along with three tough-looking boys, apparently their boyfriends. Alice stormed over to Maxine's table and glared at the redhead, her eyes filled with pure hatred.

"Where the heck do you get off saying that me and Makiko are lesbian lovers and we have Uber-AIDS?" Alice shouted. "You know that's not true!"

Smiling, Maxine took out a tape recorder and pressed "play".

"Me and Makiko are lesbian lovers and we have Uber-AIDS?" said Alice's voice over the recording.

"See, it _is _true," Maxine said. "It's right here on this tape."

"Yeah... that's what you get for calling us retarded!" shouted Maxine's blonde friend.

"We did bury you, just like Maxine said!" taunted the brunette. "All hail the immortal _Fabercombie and Mitch _Syndicate!"

"Ugh..." Alice groaned in disgust, bowing her head. _"I can't believe this... completely outsmarted by those stupid preps!"_

"Alice... I believe you and I could make a deal," said Maxine, smiling viciously. "I'll call off the rumor... if you promise to be my slave for the rest of the school year!"

"Hey, isn't this how a lot of Sailor Moon hentai fanfiction starts?" whispered one of the boys at the table to another one. The other one shook his head and pointed straight ahead. The first boy paused for a few seconds, pointed straight out as the second one had done, then nodded affirmatively

"What?" shouted Alice. "No way! I've got my pride to think about here!"

"I think you already lost your pride, Alice," replied the blonde. "You don't have a choice."

O-O-O

"This... blows!" Alice shouted, tossing her backpack down on the couch and marching up to her room. Andy Jr., who'd arrived home earlier because he went to elementary school, followed his sister up the stairs.

"What blows?" replied Andy Jr.

"That bitch Maxine started a rumor about me and Makiko having Uber-AIDS, and she wouldn't agree to stop spreading it unless I promised to be her slave for the rest of the year," said Alice.

"Why don't you just tell mom?" replied Jim, who had started to walk past Alice at the exact moment she'd begun to speak. "Telling mom always works... just like I'm gonna tell her that you said the b-word! MOMMY! MOMMY!!!"

"This day just keeps getting worse and worse..." Alice groaned.

O-O-O

After Jim had tattled, Alice had been called into the family room to have a discussion with her parents.

"I can't believe you'd use a word like that!" Andy said. "That's it, little lady... no more NASCAR for you. That Dale Earnhardt Jr. IV just uses way too many curse words."

"Don't you mean Dale Earnhardt V?" Alice asked.

"You heard your father, no more NASCAR," Faye said. Just as Alice was about to say that she didn't even watch NASCAR in the first place, Faye continued. "Also, you have to come to the P.T.A. meeting with me tonight."

"Why?" shouted Alice. "It's so boring, and-"

"Bingo," replied Faye. "Even I don't want to go to the P.T.A. meeting. The only reason I'm going is that Andy thinks the P.T.A. president is a bountyhead."

"She is," said Andy. "And she's worth fifteen million wulongs!"

"Geez, what'd she even do?" asked Alice. "That's quite a lot of money..."

"She robbed a bank last week," replied Faye. "So, anyway... we've gotta go after her. And since you've been bad, you're coming with us."

"And no NASCAR! Ever!" said Andy. _"See, I _do _know how to parent my daughter!"_

O-O-O

"We're going now, kids..." said Andy. Faye and Alice were already in the car, and Andy was in the family room with his other six children, saying goodbye. "Since you kids tortured the babysitter a few days ago, we're going to let the TV babysit you this week... I always thought the TV was the best babysitter anyway. Have fun, kids!"

Andy left, leaving the six kids alone in the room with the television.

"I wanna watch something cool," said Cyrus, pointing the remote control at the television and turning it on.

"Today, on the 'TV Shows From Movies' Channel, it's everyone's favorite game show... _The Million Dollar Sticky_!"

"Million Dollar Sticky!" shouted Mystery, repeatedly clapping her hands. "Yaaaaaay!"

O-O-O

The P.T.A. meeting took place in the school's gym, where a large podium had been set up at center court. About a hundred folding chairs were placed facing the podium, and occupying three of those chairs in the front row were Andy, Faye, and Alice.

"This is so boring..." Faye groaned. "But at least no perverts are trying to grab my boobs. Last time, this jerkwad groped me right in front of his kid! Can you believe that, Andy?"

"I'm just glad you gave him what he deserved," Andy replied. "Well, maybe he deserved sixteen kicks in the crotch instead of fifteen."

"You're absolutely right, Andy," said Faye. "Some people are just unbelievable..."

"Remember, everyone," said the woman at the podium. "Next week's fundraiser is about to begin. Now, for this year, we're going to be requiring all students to sell at least ten items in order to pass their classes."

"Bullcrap!" Faye shouted, standing up and pointing at Alice. "There's no way in hell anybody's making my daughter sell overpriced candy! That's ridiculous, there's no way!"

__

"Wow, I guess that got mom going..." Alice thought. _"Wait a minute, my parents always buy lots of candy from me in my fundraisers anyway... I bet she's just trying to create a distraction so dad can catch her! All right, mom!"_

"Well, um... any parents who, uh... wish to have their sons or daughters opt out of the program can, um... write a check to the school for 5,000 wulongs and-"

"You know what I think of your 5,000 wulongs?" Faye shouted, taking out her wallet and pulling out a 5,000-wulong bill. "Here's what I think of your 5,000 wulongs!"

Faye pressed the bill up to her face and blew her nose with it, drenching the paper money in snot.

"Yeah!" shouted Andy, also getting up from his chair. "You can't handle the truth!"

"Andy... do you even know what the hell I'm talking about?" Faye asked him. Andy shook his head, and Faye kissed him on the cheek. "Sit down, dear..."

By now, everyone at the meeting was staring at Andy and Faye. Andy sat down, while Faye continued to speak.

"You can't force children to sell candy in order to pass!" Faye shouted.

"But it teaches children responsibility," replied the P.T.A. president. "If kids learn the value of a dollar, they'll do better in school and better in life!"

__

"You'd be one to talk, robbing banks to make your money..." Faye thought.

"Well, anyway... we'll vote on the matter, and then we'll have snacks," said the woman. Several teachers began passing out slips of paper to all the parents in the crowd. "Just write yes or no on your paper, and then place it in the ballot box."

The parents, including Andy and Faye, wrote down their votes and placed them in the ballot box. When the voting was finished, the P.T.A. president took the ballot box and left the room, while the rest of the parents and teachers began eating the various snacks that had been placed out for them on a large table near the front of the gym. While all of this was happening, Andy, Faye, and Alice stood together at the exit of the room, formulating their plan to catch the bountyhead.

"Alice, as part of your punishment... you don't get to come with us to catch the bountyhead," said Faye.

"Besides, it's two-on-one already... we can take her ourselves," added Andy. "I mean, she can't be armed. Only weird goth kids take guns into a school building!"

"Dad, I don't think that's entirely accu-"

"We'll be right back, okay?" Faye said, leaning down and kissing Alice on the forehead. "You just stay here and have some snacks. They have cookies... and punch!"

"Oh goodie, my favorite..." Alice said sarcastically, walking over to the snack table while her parents left the room to hunt down their bounty.

O-O-O

Meanwhile, inside a dark janitor's closet, the P.T.A president was busily counting up the votes from the meeting, unaware that Andy and Faye were about to end her days of freedom. Well, either that, or mess up horribly and have to be bailed out by their daughter again.

"'No'.... 'no'... another 'no'... geez, I just wanted to teach these kids some responsibility... 'no'... 'you're going down, criminal'...? Huh? Who wrote-"

"That'd be me," said Faye, standing in the doorway with a smirk on her face. "And you are going down!"

"Yeah, you... bad... criminal... bank-robbing person!" said Andy. "Take this!"

Andy started to throw a punch at the woman, but stopped short just inches from hitting her face.

"Andy, what's the matter?" Faye asked. "Hit her!"

"I'm sorry, Faye... I just can't do it," Andy replied, pulling back his fist. "I just can't strike a woman! I'm a cowboy, it's not-"

Suddenly, the scene froze, as if paused by a VCR remote. A large, bearded man walked out in front of the screen, looking directly out into the audience.

"Actually," said the man, "Andy has hit women in the past, despite what his chivalrous nature as a cowboy would indicate. Just watch these past examples of Andy's record of violence against the female gender."

_ ****_

Fahrenheit Andy

(written, produced, and directed by Michael Moore IV)

"Oh, Cowboy Andy, my hero!" the old lady said.

"It's nothing," Andy said. "Really."  
  
Andy punched the old lady in the gut. The old lady fell over, dropping the bag of cash. Andy looked into the bag."There's red ink all over these bills," Andy said. "Just as I thought. Looks like I caught the 'Old Lady Bandit'."

"As you can see," said Michael Moore IV, "Andy's violence isn't even relegated to the young. Even the elderly have felt his wrongtious fury. Yes, I know that wrongtious isn't a word. Screw you, I'm right, and you're wrong. Here's another scene of Andy's violence against women."

"Maybe my bullets will work," Andy said, pointing his gun at Ruby and firing several rounds.

"He's even shot at them," said Michael Moore IV. "Fortunately, his bullets missed, but assault is assault. 73 of people agree with me, because I'm Michael Moore. Actually, I'm his great-grandson, but screw you."

"I beat your friend," Loft said. "What makes you so sure you can beat me?"

"Nothing!" Andy shouted. "But I'm gonna give it the old college try anyway!"

Andy ran at Loft and kicked her in the head, knocking her back. She somersaulted backward to keep her balance, then ran at Andy and punched him in the nose.

"Ouch!" Andy shouted. "Take this!"

Andy leapt up and kicked at Loft again. She ducked under the kick and rolled under Andy's legs, then kicked him in the back, knocking him to his knees.

"Sorry I can't stay, but I've got a plane to catch! Actually, I don't. But it's a really good excuse! So long, sucker!" Loft shouted. She ran out of the tomb and into the night. Andy stood up and shook his fist.

"You won't get away with this!" Andy shouted. "Because I am- oh, just screw it. I just got beat by a GIRL!"

"So, as you can see, Andy has injured members of the female gender in the past," said Michael Moore IV. "Whether he's doing it now or not is irrelevant, but I just wanted to let you know that he has done it before. Now that that's cleared up, back to the Funniest Sessions.

The scene restarted.

"Fine!" Faye shouted. "If you won't subdue this bountyhead, I will!"

Faye threw a punch at the P.T.A. president's head. The punch connected, knocking the woman back into the wall.

"Why are you attacking me?" shouted the woman. "I didn't rob any bank!"

"Yes you did!" shouted Andy. "Your picture was on the news and everything! You're wanted all over the solar system!"

"So what if I did?" replied the woman. "I'll let you know I had a damn good reason to rob that bank!"

"And just what was that?" asked Faye.

"Well," said the woman, walking up to the ballot box and picking it up. "If you'll look closely... it's right inside this box."

"Really?" said Andy, looking down into the box.

"Andy, that's the ballot box, that's not-"

But it was too late. The woman picked up the box and (insert whichever you prefer: hit, smacked, whacked, smashed, bonked, bashed, clanged, clonked, clocked, whaled, beat, whanged, crunked, plunked, plonked) Andy over the head with it, knocking him out cold.

"Hey!" Faye shouted. "How dare you trick my husband like that! That does it, I'm going to..."

But when Faye reached down to her waist, she realized that her gun wasn't there.

"Oh yeah, this is a school... no guns..."

"Bingo," said the P.T.A. president, (insert whichever you prefer: hitting, smacking, whacking, smashing, bonking, bashing, clanging, clonking, clocking, whaling, beating, whanging, crunking, plunking, plonking) Faye over the head with the ballot box. Then, leaving the two unconscious bounty hunters in the janitor's closet, the P.T.A. president dashed out of the room and made her escape.

She got about ten yards.

"Hello, lady," said Alice, standing in front of the woman as she tried to run down the hall, ballot box in hand. "What'cha doooooooin'?"

"I'm just counting the votes for the poll we had tonight," said the woman, trying to get past Alice. "Would you let me through, please?"

"Tell me... what _did _you do with my parents, anyway?" asked Alice. "Ya know, after they tried to capture you? I mean, you did beat them, right? That's the only reason you're out here. Lemme guess... you killed them, didn't you?"

"No, I-"

"Or maybe they're not dead, maybe they're just tied up. Well, congrats, you just did something that me and any two of my siblings can do in five minutes flat. Wait, maybe you didn't hurt them at all. Maybe they just haven't found you yet. That's it, isn't it? I certainly hope so, because if you've harmed my parents in any way, I'm going to have to kick your ass. Yes, that's right, I said 'ass'. It doesn't matter anymore, though. If my parents are dead, they can't punish me, so I can say ass all I want. Ass ass ass ass-"

"I didn't kill your parents, or tie them up," replied the woman. Alice immediately stopped saying 'ass' and started looking around nervously.

"Oh geez, oh geez, I hope they didn't hear me-"

"I _did _knock them out, though," said the woman.

"I'm gonna kick your ass!" Alice immediately replied, running at the P.T.A. president and throwing a series of quick punches at her. The P.T.A. president took two blows to the face, recoiling away from Alice as she let loose a relentless wave of punches and kicks.

__

"I've gotta end this now!" thought the woman, swinging the ballot box at Alice's head. Before she actually swung the box, however, she stopped, letting the wooden green object face to the ground at Alice's feet. "No... no... I can't hit a child... I've never hit a child..."

The scene paused, and Michael Moore IV again stepped out.

"This... is actually true, she's never hit a child," said Michael Moore IV.

The scene restarted.

"You're under arrest, jerkface!" shouted Alice, picking up the ballot box. "Now I'm gonna knock _you _out!"

"I... had to rob those banks..." said the woman. "My daughter ran me into the ground... always demanding I buy those _Fabercrombie and Mitch _t-shirts... she wouldn't stop, we barely had enough to eat, we-"

"Wait a minute," said Alice. "Can I... ask you your name? First and last, please."

"Uh... Fabrika Starla," said the woman. "But why would you want to know-"

"Hmm..." said Alice, beginning to think to herself. "Maybe... we can work out some kind of a deal. But you have to promise never to rob another bank as long as you live."

"But how will I get the money to-"

"That's the other part of the deal. You need to set some limits for your daughter," said Alice. "She's being a complete jerk to me at school. Oh, and destroy any cassette tapes she might have on her person. Search her room, the whole works. You do this for me, and I'll let you escape. I'll tell my parents you knocked me out, and that'll be it."

"But wait," said the woman. "Won't... won't your parents be mad and come after me?"

"I guess you might have to quit being president of the P.T.A. too," said Alice. "So... do we have a deal?"

O-O-O

The next day, at school...

"So I guess, um... I guess I'm sorry for making up rumors about you and your friend," said Maxine, quite a bit more humble than she was the day before.

"Sorry," echoed her blonde friend.

"Sorry," echoed her brunette friend.

"And...?" said Alice, her hands to her hips. "What else are you sorry for?"

"Making you our slave," replied Maxine.

"Also, I see that your mom's making you sell your _Fabercombie and Mitch _t-shirts for 1,000 wulongs a piece. I'll take ten," said Alice, holding out a 10,000-wulong bill.

"I thought you said you'd never pay 10,000 wulongs for a t-shirt," said Maxine's blonde friend.

"10,000 for one, no. 10,000 for ten... well, that's kind of a bargain, isn't it?" said Alice, taking the entire bag of t-shirts from Maxine. "Now to give these to my real friends!"

O-O-O

"Hey, Faye..." said Andy, on his hands and knees on the family room floor, wearing an apron and holding a soapy sponge.

"Yeah, Andy?" replied Faye, also wearing an apron and holding a sponge, scrubbing the carpeted floor extremely firmly.

"Tell me why we're doing this again," said Andy.

"Oh, I don't know," said Faye. "Maybe it's because YOU LET SIX HYPERACTIVE KIDS WATCH THE MILLION DOLLAR STICKY WITHOUT BEING SUPERVISED BY A BABYSITTER!!!"

"Oh," replied Andy, returning to scrubbing the carpet. "Just wondering."

__

See you, space cowboy...

O-O-O

Alice: So, up until now, it's been me saving mom and dad's butt from bountyheads.

Andy Jr.: But you know...

Cyrus: There are other characters on the show besides Alice, mom, and dad.

Chibi Spikuu!: Yeah yeah!

Mystery: Next time, we're literally stealing the show!

Jim: Well, a few of us, anyway.

Mellie: Yeah, some people slip through the cracks...

Alice: Now I know why you kids aren't allowed to say and do very much. You make a mess of everything!

Mellie: Shut up, sis. Next episode of Bebop... "The Kids Are Not Alright"!

Alice: I'd say that's pretty accurate...


	3. The Kids Are Not Alright

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of its characters. I DO own Alice, Andy Jr., Mellie, Cyrus, Jim, Mystery, and Chibi Spikuu!. So don't steal them, okay?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: For the purpose of comedy, some characters may be OOC (out-of-character). Those who have read _Funny Sessions _and _Funnier Sessions _already know the drill.

REVIEWS-

Psychogrl: Finally, a review. Thank you! And Mystery will play a part in this episode. I won't say how big, but...

O-O-O

Alone in her room, the small, pink-haired girl swayed her head back and forth, listening to the music coming from the headphones over her ears.

"La la la," sang the girl in rhythm with the music, "Space Girl Power-Up Time! La la la..."

"Mystery, open up, sweetie..." came a voice from outside, prompting the girl to remove her headphones and walk up to the door. She opened it up and saw the smiling face of her mother Faye staring down at her.

"I told all of your brothers and sisters, so now I'm telling you. Alice is sick today; she's got a bad headache and a worse fever. She needs her rest, so try to keep it down, okay?"

Mystery nodded her head, then put her headphones back over her ears. Faye kissed her on the forehead, then gently shut the door behind her. As soon as she did, Mystery smiled devilishly. She threw the headphones to the floor and ran to her big sister's room as quickly as she could.

O-O-O

Andy Jr., Mellie, Cyrus, Jim, and Chibi Spikuu! had already beaten her to the punch, and were taking turns poking Alice repeatedly, not stopping despite their sister's quiet protests.

"Stop, you guys... I got a headache, stop..." Alice moaned, holding her head and rolling over onto her side. _"If I yell for mom my head will just hurt ten times more. This really sucks."_

Mystery skipped into the room and immediately jostled for her place besides Alice's bed, not such an easy thing to do for a five-year-old girl.

"Are you gonna poke me too?" Alice asked, looking at Mystery through narrow eyes. Mystery smirked, and shook her head, her hands concealing something behind her back. "Well, good. At least somebody here likes me."

Suddenly, Mystery held out what she was concealing behind her back. It was a large, black spider. Mellie, Jim, and Chibi Spikuu! screamed and ran out of the room, while Andy Jr. simply chuckled and Cyrus jumped back. Alice rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Mystery, you know I'm not scared of spiders," said Alice. Mystery looked down at what was in her hand. Her eyes widened.

"Sp...sp...SPIDER?" Mystery shrieked. She dropped the spider on Alice's lap, screamed, and ran out of the room. With a groan of resignation, Alice flopped back down onto her bed.

"Silly Mystery," said Andy Jr. "Pranks are for boys."

"And Mellie," added Cyrus. "Don't forget Mellie."

O-O-O

****

Session 55: The Kids Are Not Alright

O-O-O

****

BIGSHOT- The Show For Bounty Hunters

Paunch: Howdy out there, you space hombres! I'm Paunch...  
  
Judy: And I'm Judy! And we're here with a brand new bountyhead!

Paunch: But first, a matter of urgent national security! The President of Mars, Helsing Van Buren, has raised the terror alert from "Urgent" to "Slightly More Urgent"! So everyone keep on your guard!

Judy: And today's bountyhead is especially dangerous! He's a terrorist who's been given the nickname "The Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber"! I don't know what that could possibly mean, except that he's bad!  
  
Paunch: Ten million wulongs to the first space cowpoke to bring this varmint in!

Judy: Yeehaw!

the TV flashes off

"Honestly," said Faye, holding a remote control in her hand. "The nerve of those terrorists nowadays. Sticking bombs in places they don't belong."

"Didn't we fight a terrorist together once?" asked Andy. "You know, some guy named Vincent."

"As I recall, I saved the world, and you got stabbed in the stomach," said Faye. "But you're fine now!"

"_You're _the fine one," said Andy, taking Faye into his arms. "You're the finest little lady in the galaxy..."

But before Andy and Faye could kiss, Mystery came running into the room.

"MOMMY! DADDY! SPIDER!!!" Mystery screamed, jumping up and down. "SPIDER SPIDER SPIDER SPIDER SPIDER!!!"

After breaking off their embrace in order to cover up their ears, Faye and Andy smiled reassuringly.

"Now, dear, you know that spider is way more scared of you than you are of it," said Faye.

"Actually," replied Mellie, as she, Jim, and Chibi Spikuu! walked into the family room, "since spiders are far inferior to humans on an evolutionary standpoint, their brains are much too small to develop the emotion of fear. Thus, their 'fear' is actually a reaction based on simple animal instinct."

"Where'd you hear something like that?" asked Jim. "It's just a scary spider."

"Um... I think it was on Animal Planet," said Mellie.

"Nonsense," replied Andy. "We've _been _to Animal Planet, and there's nothing on that planet but animals and more animals. I had to run screaming back to the Bebop after a monkey bit me on the bottom. But, uh... don't tell anybody. I am Cowboy Andy, after all!"

"Now where's this spider?" asked Faye, picking up a newspaper and rolling it up into a long, round cylinder. "I'll whack it good!"

"It's in Alice's room," said Mellie.

"Spider scary..." Chibi Spikuu! said, covering his eyes up with his hands.

"Well, if it's in Alice's room, we probably shouldn't disturb her," said Andy. "Instead, we should all go somewhere fun and forget this ever happened! Who's up for Cowpoke Corral?"

Mellie, Jim, Mystery, and Chibi Spikuu! all jumped up and began shouting 'me! me! me!' repeatedly, a sound that carried all throughout the Oniyate mansion to Alice's room, where it make her headache even worse. But since this isn't an Alice-centric episode, who really cares?

"I guess that means I'm staying here with Alice," said Faye. "Well, I guess that won't be so bad."

"Of course not! You girls can... do girl stuff! Meanwhile, it's all you can eat and all the tokens you can play for 5,000 wulongs! So go get Andy Jr. and Cyrus, and let's go!"

O-O-O

"You're going to Cowpoke Corral without me?" said Alice after Andy Jr. and Cyrus had informed her of the day's planned excursion. "Et tu, brother?"

"Oh, you never have fun at that place anyway," said Andy Jr. "All you do is play Dance Party, and that red-haired chick always beats you."

"What's her name, anyway?" said Cyrus, putting his hand to his head in thought. "Kirsten, or something?"

"Yeah, Kirsten," Andy Jr. replied. "She's cute."

"....what's the deal with... you know? And besides, there's an age difference..." said Alice, looking out into space, as if she was looking out to some mystical audience (i.e., the people who have read ALL of my fics... who are probably getting pretty sick of all these inside jokes by now, so I'll stop). "All the... you know... well, anyway, you guys suck. See you in hell."

"That's not a very nice thing to say," said Cyrus.

"I've got a headache," replied Alice. "I have every right to be snippy! SO GO AWAY!.... ow.... my head..."

Alice didn't see the spider, still alive but now forgotten, crawling up her nose as she drifted slowly off to sleep.

O-O-O

The Cowpoke Corral was a magical, mystical restaurant, loved by many and envied by all. Imagine Chuck E. Cheese in a steakhouse, and you've pretty much got the picture. Andy, Andy Jr., Mellie, Cyrus, Jim, Mystery, and Chibi Spikuu! entered the restaurant and sat down at their table, which was actually two tables of four pushed together to make one large table. Add in a high-chair for Chibi Spikuu! and booster seats for Jim and Mystery, and you can easily understand why their server would naturally be rather peeved by the time that Andy and the six children were ready to be served.

"Hello...." said the server, a tall man in a cow costume with a knife stuck in its back. "How can I help you?"

"We'll take seven buffets and six all-you-can-play specials, please," said Andy, a smile on his face. "I don't play arcade games, because I'm Cowboy Andy!"

"Wonderful," said the server, writing the order down on his notepad. Suddenly, Chibi Spikuu! began to cry.

"Waaaaah!" Chibi Spikuu! shouted, loud enough for everyone in the restaurant to hear.

"IT WASN'T MY FAULT!" shouted Gene Snitsky IV, who had been sitting at an adjacent table. "And at Taboo Tuesday, Kane, you're going to end up as dead as your baby!"

After everyone in the restaurant stared at him for several seconds, the man sighed and continued eating.

"What's wrong, Chibi Spikuu!?" asked Andy. "You love this place!"

"I don't like steak!" whined Chibi Spikuu!. "It bleeds when I eat it!"

"Yeah, meat is murder," said Andy Jr. "Well, according to morons with no life."

"Kids, all of you, settle down," replied Andy. "You all like meat, and you're all going to eat meat and have fun! Well, if you want to, anyway. Your mom's the strict one, not me."

"So that's... six buffets, and six token specials then?" asked the man in the cow suit, becoming more and more irritated by the second. "Or is that five?"

"I said only _morons _think meat is murder," said Andy Jr.

"Hey, one of those morons is my best friend!" shouted Mellie.

"Ha ha, your best friend is a moron!" Jim taunted, pointing at Mellie from across the table. "Hey, you said it, not me."

"Kids, settle down! You're _all _equally morons!" Andy shouted. "Wait, no, that's not right... I guess that makes _me _a moron."

"Ha ha, your dad's a moron!" Jim taunted, pointing at Mystery.

"He's your dad too, ya know," Mystery said, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!" cried Chibi Spikuu!, deeply distressed by all of the fighting.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!" shouted Gene Snitsky IV, standing up and pretending to cry. "That's the sound your baby made when it died, Kane, but... IT WASN'T MY FAULT!"

"ENOUGH!!!!" shouted the server, throwing the head of his cow suit to the ground. "Are you people gonna order, or not? I'm not getting paid 400 wulongs an hour just to take crap from (FCC says "Wazzup?")heads like you!"

The arguing and yelling stopped immediately. Suddenly, Cyrus broke the silence by pointing and laughing at the man.

"Hee, he said a funny word," Cyrus chuckled.

"Kids..." said Andy, throwing several 5,000-wulong bills onto the table, "go and play games and have fun. Daddy's got a bad hombre to take care of."

Understanding what their father was about to do, the kids meekly took their money from the table and ran off into the arcade, leaving Andy and the server to stare at one another for several long, tense seconds.

O-O-O

A few minutes later...

"Yeehaw!" shouted Andy, piloting the Bebop off into the far reaches of the Solar System. "I'm gonna go catch the Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber!"

O-O-O

"If that guy actually cared about the welfare and honor of his kids, I'd be a dead man by now," said the server, picking up the 5,000-wulong bills from the table. "Good thing he's just a rich, neglective idiot who paid the tab and left his kids here while he goes off doing who knows what. What a moron."

The Oniyate children were left to fend for themselves in the arcade. Jim, Mystery, and Chibi Spikuu! leapt into the ball pit, while Andy Jr. and Cyrus faced off in "Silent But Deadly: The Revenge Of Muhammad and Malvo", the ultra-violent, ultra-offensive sniper simulator game from Japan.

"Ha!" shouted Cyrus, waving his plastic gun controller in the air. "I killed 46 innocent civilians, and winged a politician! How about you, huh?"

"47," said Andy Jr. "Including 22 shots to the groin!"

"Awesome!" replied Cyrus, admiring his older brother's sniping skills.

"You boys are weird," said Mellie, walking by their game without even looking at what they were playing. "And violent, and rude, and mean. I'm going to play a _really _good game."

Mellie walked past several machines until she saw the one she wanted: "Pretty Pony's Cute Adventure".

"This game is awesome!" said Mellie, placing a token into the machine and pressing 'Start'. "Yay! Pretty Pony!"

O-O-O

__

"How are you, Madam Princess Pretty Pony?" said a small, light blue pony, one of the characters in the opening cut-scene.

"I'm wonderful!" said a pink pony, blinking her eyes while brushing back her long, blonde hair with her small, cute hoof. "I'm ready to have a wonderful, pretty pony day!"

"And how do we start every happy, wonderful, super cute pretty pony day?" asked the blue pony.

"A wonderful, happy, cute, magical, mystical... ORGY OF BLOODSHED!!!"

O-O-O

Heavy metal music began to play, and the screen filled with hundreds of human-like beings. As Mellie repeatedly jammed the buttons, the two ponies on the screen mauled, bit, and tore the beings to shreds, spraying blood across the screen and rapidly building Mellie's score. From the rate her score was increasing, it was quite obvious she'd played the game many times before. Andy Jr. and Cyrus looked over at Mellie's game, barely batting an eye.

"Eh, that game sucks," said Andy Jr., returning to his sniper game.

"Yeah," said Cyrus, zooming in on his scope and blowing the head off of yet another pixelated character. "Way too violent."

"Mm-hmm," said Andy Jr., nodding his head in agreement.

O-O-O

Faye walked into Alice's room, tiptoeing quietly so as not to disturb the sleeping girl. She smiled and knelt by her daughter's bed, brushing back her hair and gently stroking her forehead.

"Sorry you couldn't go to the Cowpoke Corral," Faye whispered, though she knew her daughter couldn't hear her. "As soon as you're all better, you and me will go somewhere all by ourselves. It'll be a girls' night out, okay?"

Suddenly, a long, thin white thread drooped down from Alice's nose. At the end of the thread was the largest spider Faye had ever seen.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!"

O-O-O

Back at the Cowpoke Corral, while Jim and Chibi Spikuu! were having lots of fun in the ball pit, Mystery yearned for something more. Specifically, red meat. She climbed out of the ball pit and made her way to the buffet table, where a man in a black jacket had been standing for a very long time. Mystery noticed that he was blocking her way to the best cuts of steak, and was immediately going to do something about it. She began poking the man, who had been sprinkling a white, powdery substance on everything he could find.

"Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey," said Mystery, repeatedly poking the man in order to get his attention. "Hey. Hey. Hey. What'cha dooooooooooin'? Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. What'cha doooooooooooin'?"

The man turned around and smiled at Mystery. He slid a large bag of white powder into his pocket.

"Seeing as how you're a little girl, and there's no way you'd be smart enough to understand what I'm doing, I'll just tell you. I'm fighting the tyranny of oppression by putting anthrax on the steak. I don't know how this is actually fighting the tyranny of oppression, since all I'm really doing is killing people, which kind of makes me a jerk. But I am putting anthrax on the steak. That's what I do know."

"Oh," said Mystery. She smiled, put a large steak on her plate, and walked back to the table. There, Jim was sitting, drinking a soda and looking around aimlessly.

"The ball pit got boring," said Jim.

"That guy put anthrax on the steak!" said Mystery, smiling and pointing at the man at the buffet table. Jim, also not knowing what anthrax was, chuckled, thinking what Mystery had said was a funny joke. He got up and walked over to the sniper game, where Andy and Cyrus were still locked in heated competition.

"Hey, guys..." said Jim, pointing at the man at the buffet table. "I gots a funny joke!"

"Not now," said Cyrus. "I'm killing people!"

"Yeah," said Andy Jr. "Leave us alone."

"But that guy put anthrax on the steak!" shouted Jim, smiling happily.

"Yeah, whatever, we're playing," said Cyrus.

"Go away," Andy Jr. said. Jim growled and walked back to the table, where Mystery still hadn't eaten her steak. Andy Jr. and Cyrus continued to play the game for several seconds. Finally, after ten seconds of playing, they _finally _(idiots!) realized what Jim had said.

Back at the buffet table, the Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber had finally finished seeding the steak with deadly anthrax. As soon as he turned around, he was confronted by Andy Jr. and Cyrus. They had both taken guns from the prize booth and were now pointing them in his face.

"Eat BBs, jerkwad!" shouted Andy Jr. The two boys opened fire, but even though they were at point blank range, their shots completely missed.

"What... in the world?" Cyrus stammered.

"We can't hit him up close!" shouted Andy Jr. "The game only taught us how to shoot from long distances!"

"I can shoot a fly off the head of a pin at 1000 meters, but I can't hit a guy two feet in front of me!" shouted Cyrus, beginning to sob. "We're doomed!"

"And I'm out of here!" shouted the Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber, running for the door of the restaurant. He didn't get very far before Mellie stepped in his way, a wicked smile on her face.

"And just where are you going, terrorist butthead?" asked Mellie, waving her finger in his face. "Alice isn't the only Oniyate child that can take down a bountyhead!"

The Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber screamed, running off in the opposite direction and diving straight onto a table filled with food.

"IT WASN'T MY FAULT!" shouted Gene Snitsky IV, standing up from the table and shouting at the top of his lungs. "Hey... it really wasn't my fault this time!"

The Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber, now covered with food, stood up and took off for the kitchen area, knocking over two costumed servers as he ran. Just before he reached the kitchen, Mellie grabbed him by the ankle, knocking him to the ground and causing his bag of anthrax to fly into a fryer, destroying it forever.

"My anthrax!" shouted the Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber. "Nooo!"

"You're about to lose your freedom, terrorist jerk!" said Andy Jr, walking up to the man and pointing the BB gun at his face. "Reach for the sky!"

"Yeah!" shouted Cyrus, pointing at Andy Jr. "Uh... what he said."

The Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber stood up and pushed away all three kids, dashing off and not paying any attention to where he was going. It was a big mistake, because the Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber completely missed the edge of the ball pit. He tripped and fell into the huge vat of multi-colored plastic balls, right in front of Chibi Spikuu!. Chibi Spikuu! took one look at the man and began to cry. The other kids in the ball pit immediately went to Chibi Spikuu!'s aid, tossing dozens of balls at the Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber.

"Ow! Ow! Ow!" shouted the Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber, climbing out of the pit and stumbling all the way to the entrance of the restaurant, unaware that 'Go Go Cactus Man' was starting to play in the background. "You... pathetic children... trying to ruin my plan... but I escaped! I-"

A fist slammed into the Kamikaze Anthrax Unibomber's face, immediately dropping him to the ground. The owner of the fist was Cowboy Andy, walking into the restaurant and standing over the terrorist's unconscious body.

"After traveling the Solar System, I've finally found you!" shouted Andy, pointing at the man and letting out a triumphant laugh. "No one escapes the justice that is... Cowboy Andy!"

"Daddy!" shouted Andy Jr., Mellie, Cyrus, Jim, and Chibi Spikuu!, running up to their father and embracing him.

"Howdy, kids... did you guys have fun?" Andy asked. They all nodded. "Good... then I'm still a good father! Where's your sister? Where's Mystery?"

Chibi Spikuu! pointed to the table, where Mystery had just finished off her large, delicious steak, white powder and all. Andy Jr. and Cyrus gasped.

"That steak... it had anthrax on it!" Andy Jr. shouted.

"Mystery... no!" said Cyrus. Suddenly, Andy began to chuckle. "Dad, what's so funny?"

"Oh, you crazy kids... Mystery's immune to anthrax, didn't you guys know that?"

Andy Jr. and Cyrus looked back and forth between each other, while Mellie began to giggle.

"Yeah, dad told me a long time ago," said Mellie.

O-O-O

__

"So even though our daughter has pink hair... it's perfectly normal?" asked Faye, standing together with Andy inside a clinic with the Oniyate family doctor.

"Of course she's not normal... but she will be perfectly fine," said the doctor. "In fact, the same mysterious condition that's made her hair pink also made her immune to several dangerous disease! She's immune to anthrax, cancer... as well as every STD that's ever been discovered."

Suddenly, Andy reached over and grabbed the doctor by his shirt collar.

"Now, you listen to me, and you listen good," said Andy. "Don't EVER tell Mystery about that last one. Got it?"

O-O-O

"See?" said Andy, still smiling even as hundreds of HAZMAT-suit wearing disease control workers rushed past him into the restaurant. "Mystery's gonna be fine!"

"Yay!" cheered the children, hugging their sister Mystery as she walked toward the entrance of the restaurant.

"Now, I wonder how Alice and your mother are doing...?"

O-O-O

Faye crouched in the corner of her daughter's room, trembling in fear at the spider now crawling up and down Alice's chin.

"Calm down, Faye," Faye said to herself, trying to calm her fears. "The spider's more scared of me than I am of it... so it must be awfully scared."

Faye tiptoed over to Alice's bed, rolled-up newspaper in hand. She raised it up, ready to strike swift and deadly wrath upon the spider whom had made its home on her daughter's face. She swung the newspaper down, but just before it reached Alice's face, Alice reached up and grabbed the newspaper, preventing her mother from completing the blow.

"I watch TV, mom," Alice mumbled sleepily. "I know how this is going to end. I don't mind the spider being on my face. Just put the newspaper down and walk slowly, slowly away."

__

See you, space cowboy...

O-O-O

Alice: So, did we ever kill that spider?

Mystery: Spider? SPIDER?!?!

Alice: Next time, there's more than spiders to worry about on Bebop...

Mellie: We're going to see Aunt Edward!

Jim: It's gonna be fun!

Mystery: She's a super-duper-model!

Alice: She really does call herself that... what a loon. Anyway, loony supermodel Edward is in the middle of a fashion show when she's attacked by a bunch of bad guys, but saved by a group of female secret agents who call themselves "She.I.P."

Faye: What kind of retarded imbecile would....

Andy: Now Faye, don't be mean...

Faye: And why are you looking at them like that anyway, Andy?  
  
Andy: Uh...

Andy Jr.: Next time on Bebop... "Conflict Of Prurient Interests!" What's 'prurient'?

Faye: You do NOT wanna know...


End file.
